10 Steps to A Better Marriage By Kim Seidel

As my husband and I celebrate each wedding anniversary, I feel a sense of accomplishment that we’ve shared another year together. Each blessing we welcome, challenge we face and every argument we have – or avoid – brings us closer.

Experience is a good teacher. Learning from other married couples also can provide inspiration.

Following are 10 steps you can take to improve your most important relationship, your marriage:
1. Remember why you married your partner.
Beth Burgos believes it’s important to recall what attracted you to your husband. Beth and Patrick have been married about 30 years and have three sons. “This is your deep story,” Burgos says. “Remember that you would have done anything in your early days to be together. When I think about how lucky I am to be living day-to-day with the love of my life, the messiness of ordinary life seems bearable, even precious.”

2. Treat your partner well.
He or she is the love of your life, not your butler or auto mechanic.

“If you treat him with respect, he’ll respond with respect,” Burgos says. “If you do things for him to make his day easier, he’ll respond and do things for you to make your day easier.”

3. Compromise.
Early on in their marriage, Linda and Pat Kerrigan realized an important truth: “It’s not about me.” Spending about 40 years together under the same roof has taught them that they don’t always get to have their own way.

4. Keep forgiveness on the table.
Forgiveness isn’t always easy to impart, especially with couples who accumulate a large arsenal of resentments or annoyances over the years. “Most of us have a pretty good litany of past screw ups and grievances,” Kerrigan says. “What’s the point of throwing them in each other’s faces?”

5. Play “TAG.”
TAG is the acronym for Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratefulness, says Jerry Nelson, a marriage and family. Make it a daily habit to tell one another what you enjoy about each other, rather than criticizing.

6. Make time for one another.
Nelson and his wife, Kristi, who have been married more than 30 years and raised six children, practice the “Five Magic Hours.” It’s a concept from the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver (Crown Publishing Group, 2000). It’s recommended that couples take 20 minutes a day on reunions, such as returning home from work. In parting, spend two minutes.

Other practices to total “five hours” include spending five minutes a day expressing admiration and appreciation, and five minutes a day showing affection, such as holding hands and hugging.

7. Keep communication alive.
“Talk, reminisce, laugh, cry,” Kerrigan says. “As a couple, we argue, talk politics, share jokes and talk about our day. True, life isn’t one big exciting adventure day after day, but it is in the small things – some might argue routine – that we share the majority of the minutes and days of our lives.”

8. Make your needs and expectations clear.
Don’t give men hints. “We’ve all heard how men and women communicate as if they’re from different planets,” Burgos says. “If you want ostentatious bouquets of flowers sent to the office for Valentine’s Day, you better tell your guy exactly that.”

9. Enjoy intimacy.
Studies show that couples committed to working as a team, raising their children and running their household equally, engage in a healthier sex life, says Mary Ellen West, a nurse midwife. West often asks a woman with a lack in sexual desire if her partner is helpful at home. Hammering out domestic issues may lead to more joy and harmony in all areas of your relationship.

Discover what you need to enjoy private time together, such as simply installing a lock on your bedroom door. As uncomfortable as it may be, talk about your sex life with your partner, West says. You can determine together what’s “normal” for the amount of sex in your relationship.

Then, make sex a priority; schedule your intimate times on your calendar like you would a business appointment. “Some of the most successful couples have no problem making sure the kids go to bed early, and they have their time together at the end of the day,” West says.

10. Keep the spark alive.
Couples in long-term relationships can get in a rut. “Novelty is so important in maintaining desire for both men and women,” West says. Try massages, lubricants and lingerie to spice things up. Set the mood with candles, soft lighting and silk sheets.

“Don’t be afraid to be womanly,” Burgos says. “You don’t have to dress like the prom queen, but if you’re going out to dinner together, fuss a little. Let him know it matters to you that you want to look nice for him.”

Finally, don’t forget that you were a couple first, Burgos says. “Raising a family is so overwhelming, so all-encompassing, so everything, that weeks and months can pass without a conversation on anything other than kids and daily details. But the best thing you can do for your kids is to stay in love with each other,” she says. “That creates a safe and harmonious household for your family, and gives your kids an example of positive adults who treat each other well.”

Married for 16 years, Kim Seidel is a freelance writer and mother of two in La Crosse, Wis.